Quotes page 1

HOUSE MD QUOTES-SEASONS 1-3

Chase is upset his father is serving as consult at PPTH to House's case. House knows Rowan (chase's father) is dying of lung cancer. House is going to tell Chase.
Chase: why does everybody need to know my business?
House: People like talking about people. It makes us feel superior, it makes us feel in control. and sometimes, for some people, knowing somethings make them care.

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Cuddy's trying to get House to take the case of a 12 year old boy. He finds little interest and says it's pneumonia. He's searching different places in the diagnostics room and his office apparently looking for something.
House: (to Vicodin) There you are. Were you scared? It's okay, You're home now. (delicately places Vicodin in mouth)

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Chase: How would you feel if I interfered with your personal life?
House: I'd hate it-that's why I cleverly have no personal life.

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Patient's dad: You know why I give money to this hospital? It's the only way to get attention. See this...Pain in the wrist wont go away for months. 6 doctors brilliant conclusion is to take it easy. I write a check, name goes on a plaque and 48 hours later I've got 2 MRIs a bone scan and a diagnosis: Carpel Tunnel. I'm in surgery that afternoon.
House: Fascinating story. Have you thought of adapting it for the stage?

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House calls Cameron out for reading a negotation book and manipulating everyone to agree with her.
House:Read Less, More Tv.

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Cuddy: In my office
House to Nurse:: Afternoon delight, (lifts cane)she just loves the hard wood.

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House is hiding from Vogler after he makes a mockery of Vogler when he was supposed to give a speech about the virtues of Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals' new product. He is asleep in a clinic exam room dreaming that Vogler is dying of cancer. (curiously enough in House's dream his limp is gone)
Foreman (standing with Chase): Up and at 'em big guy.
House: Sorry up late, internet porn.
Chase: How come you're not in your office?
House: Because there's a computer in my office and if I log on romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.

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(checking vitals of infant)
House: She's doing better.
Patient's mom: Oh, thank god!
House: Technically, Alexander Flemming. He developed antibiotics.

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(Chase is giving an alternative to a CT scan)
Chase: When I was in med school, I had this old professor--
House: Who touched you in the naughty place?

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Explaining why he's not going to hire a seemingly perfect applicant based on her shoes
House: They were stylish abd very painful to wear. Only an incredibly shallow, insecure woman would rather be in pain all day long than to wear a descent-looking comfortable shoe.

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Wilson:....You always find some tiny flaw to push people away.
House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, i hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.

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Wilson: She did come back because she like you!
Patient: You dog! you sleep with her!
House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check.

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(Talking to WIlson about the upcoming date with Cameron)
House: I dont know how to have a casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing and either you are and it's incredibly boring. or you're not because there's a subtext and you need a decoder ring.

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(Cameron's trying to get a consult from House)
House: Cancer, 6 months.
Cameron: Have you even looked at the x-ray?
House: No. just guessing. It's a new game: if I'm wrong she wins a stuffed bear.

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(House comes in at noon wearing his motorcycle jacket)
Cameron: what's with the jacket?
House: It keeps me warm and (runs hand through hair) cool. How does it know?

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(WIlson tells House he accepted the patient the moment Wilson loaned him 5 grand)
Cameron: Why would you need 5 grand?
Chase: Bad night at poker or good night with a hooker?
House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.

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(House is trying to get Wilson to invite him to dinner Thursday night so he can avoid his parents. House is sitting on his motorcycle)
Cameron: what do you do with your cane?
House: If he buys me dinner, he'll find out.

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(Talking to Stacy about the patient that has been stalking him)
House: Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch: I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders. See?

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House: Although, I like my chances of some action this morning.
Stacy: I forgot Wednesday was hooker day. This could have waited.
House: You make me meet you at your house, Your husband is conveniently absent.
Stacy: Mark's at physio. I'm stuck waiting for the exterminator. I saw a rat last night.
House: Well, I'm suprised your feet are touching the ground.
Stacy: I barely slept.
House:What was Mark up to? If memory serves a quick climb up Mt. Gregory and you'd doze through a seal hunt. Clubbing, Shrieking.

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(Mark gets home and find House and Stacy in the kitchen)
Mark: What's going on?
House: (looking overly shocked)It's not what you think, I know it looks like we're cleaning the dishes but actually we're having sex.

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(House is stalking the rat-later named Steve McQueen-in Stacy's attic)
House: What?!?
Foreman: Bad time? Where are you?
House: at your girlfriend's place. Ignore the moaning and squeking.
-Later-
Foreman: We can hardly hear you where are you?
House: In a closet. Your girlfriend's other boyfriend showed up.

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House: Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, They'd been nicer, They'd open orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you dont save it for a soundbite.

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(knocking on Wilson's door)
House: I know you're in there;I can hear you caring.

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Patient's daughter: is that why you're so sad?
House: I'm not sad, I'm complicated. Chicks dig that.

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(Moving papers and books looking for something)
Cameron: What are you looking for?
House: Same as you are: Love, acceptance, solid return on investment.

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Patient: I assume you've been in love.
House: Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?

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House: So what is it? A disease that attacks his brain, heart and testicles. I think Byron wrote about that.

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(Paternity-Coming in as Cuddy's leaving because teenage patient is missing)
Cuddy: What are you doing here? Patient?
House: No. Hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.

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(discussing ideas on the differential)
Cameron: What about sex?
House: it might get complicated. I mean, we work together. I'm older, certainly, but maybe you like that.

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House in clinic:Hello sick people and their loved ones. In the interest of saving time and avoiding alot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of 3 doctors staffing the clinic this morning...
Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House:This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital so unfortantely she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a Board(looks back at Cuddy) certified diagnostician with a double speciality of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at the clinic who is forced to be here against his will. (looks at Cuddy) That is true, isnt it? But not to worry because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of motrin. Speaking of which if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this (reaches into his pocket and holds up his 'script bottle) This is Vicodin. It's mine; you can't have any. and no I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But Who knows? Maybe, I'm wrong. Maybe, I'm too stoned to tell. (opens eyes wide) So, who wants me?

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Cameron:Men should grow up.
House:yeah and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen.

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(After House is rude to Foreman)
Wilson: That smugness of yours is really an attractive quality.
House:Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

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(patient complaining of not being able to loose weight)
House:You have a parasite.
Patient: Like a tape worm or something?
House:Lie back and flip up your sweater...
Patient:Can you do anything about it?
House:Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove except in a couple states. (puts sonogram equipment on belly)
Patient: Illegal?
House:But don't worry many women learn to embrace this parasite. they name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites.
Patient: Playdates?
House:(turns monitor toward patient)It has your eyes.

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Nun:Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.
House:I thought that was a job requirement for you people.

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[Team is talking about an illness striking 6 babies in the maternity ward; antibiotics aren't working]
House: This is our fault. Doctors overprescribing antibiotics. Gotta cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Well, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. They'll be adding Vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They're our babies and they're all grown up and they've got body piercings and alot of anger.

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(Sees candy canes on desk)
House:What the hell are those?
Cameron:Candy canes.
House:Candy canes? Are you mocking me??

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House:I'm giving you a prescription. It's cheap; Which is good because your insurance company won't pay for it.
Patient: "Cogaritis?"
House:Cigarettes. One twice a day. No more, no less. Studies have shown that cigarette smoking is one of the most effective ways to control inflamatory bowel. Plus, it's been well established that you look 30% cooler.

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[House is watching General Hospital in chapel. He makes a joke about the Nun commiting four out of 7 deadly sins in just under two minutes]
Nun: They say you have a gift.
House:They like to talk.
Nun: You hide behind your intelligence.
House:Yeah. That's pretty stupid.
Nun: And you makes jokes because you're afraid to take anything seriously. Because if you take things seriously, they matter and if they matter--
House:When things go wrong I get hurt. I'm not tough; I'm vulnerable.

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Wilson:How'd it go?
House:She has God inside her. Would've been easier to deal with a tumor.

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[Cameron asking if House is really unaware that it's his birthday]
House:Well, normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate that the earth has circled the sun one more time. I really didn't think it was gonna make it this year, but darn it if it wan't the little planet that could all over again.

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Stacy:We need to talk.
House:Oh God. Are you pregnant 'cause I really want to finish highschool.

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House:What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?

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Stacy:What are you hiding?
House:I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain alot, though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson. Obsession with sneakers.